The Reason to Live
It was one of those days… I felt like nothing was going right. It wasn’t just about my current situation, it was about my entire life. Nothing made sense anymore. Yes, the darkness paid me a little visit. You see, when you dive into the darkness you truly can’t see the light. It has the power to consume you and to convince you that she is the only thing that exists. This was not the first time I’ve seen my darkness, oh no, I knew very well my dark aspect. We sort of had a relationship. Abusive one to be honest, but a relationship. I knew how to handle it. You see, I considered myself a swimmer, a swimmer of my psyche. I was able to dive deep but I would always float back to the surface.
This time something was different. I have reached the bottom. That was it. Nothing there anymore. Nothing to be fixed, nothing to heal, no wound. Just a big hole. I was done. I was completely done with this whole game called life. I just couldn’t see the point. We were born, raised by families who were consumed in their issues, went to school we were taught how to obey, we were looking for jobs to get money, oh yes, so that we can buy our existence. We were dating, falling in love, ended up disappointed and heartbroken just so we could have our kids and teach them all of this nonsense. Well, not me. I was done.
Someone looking from outside could call it a depression, but it wasn’t about it. I honestly, rationally, didn’t see the point of sticking around. And yes, It wasn’t all that bad. You can always have a job that you love. You could have amazing friends and a good boyfriend. And you know what? I had all of that. But it was too much. I was still fighting my way through. I was nowhere near freedom I knew existed somewhere. I wanted to fly. I wanted to be free. So I decided to do the only thing I could do in a tough moment like this. I took a deep breath. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to feel the presence of my soul. If anybody knew how to be free, it was her.
– What the hell?? –my soul said pretty angry. – You know what girl, you gotta chill. Your thoughts are exhausting me! – Yes, I know… My soul did not sound what you would have imagined a soul to sound like.
– But soul, I am desperate. I am unhappy. I think I want to go. – I cried.
– Go where? What’s the deal now? Is it a job now? No, wait, I know. Abundance issues? It’s always the same girl. You’re never gonna learn. Just allow and relax. Look at me. You will need to learn how to enjoy if you want to stick around. – she said.
– But that’s the thing soul. I am done. I don’t want abundance, I don’ want a job. I don’t need anything. I just want to go. This whole experience has been a big struggle. And I just can’t take it anymore. – I said.
– Girl, it’s a struggle because you are constantly playing the same game and it is draining you. But where do you think you will go? – my soul asked.
-You mean after I die? I don’t know. Somewhere where I will finally be free. And where you and I will be together always. – I said.
–You got that right. Let me tell you something girl. You wanna die? It’s your choice. Do you really want it? Hell, I can make it happen. And you know where will you go? Remember your dreams when you were a kid? Unicorns and angels? It’s all real. Is that what you want? – my soul asked.
Yes, I do! – I said with excitement.
– Okay, as you wish. But, first I want you to do something for me. – my soul said.
– What is it? – I asked.
– I want you to go and find one reason to live. Just one. I’m sure a smart girl like you won’t have a problem with such a small task. – my soul chuckled.
– Oh man, I mean, oh soul. But just one? And how am I supposed to do that? – I asked irritated.
– Go and do whatever you humans do when you celebrate life. – my soul answered.
At that moment, I was alone again. The reason to live? Is it love? Nature? Traveling? Everything is just not worth the trouble. What does she want for me? I got so angry. I didn’t know what to do with so much anger so I started to move. I started to move my body in the rhythm of my anger. It wasn’t pretty but it was. My body was shaking as my legs and arms were completely uncoordinated trying to break free. I followed my inner rhythm. After some time of regular human emotions, I fell into nothingness. I could have felt that my body was moving but I was nothing but a breath and a heartbeat. I heard an echo of my heartbeat going into other realities and coming back to me. It was a pure feeling of „I exist“. I could have felt my entire body as oneness. My hearts become so overwhelmed that I broke into tears. Tears of joy. The joy of existence. I knew that was it.
My body is the reason to live. My body is a celebration of life. My soul knew that. If I go, I would have to leave my body. No more sensuality of my skin, joy in my heart, pleasure in my pelvis, presence of my feet. I got it. I wasn’t done with life. I was just done with the old way. The human way. But maybe I just opened the door to a new way. A way of the soul. It’s not about what we have or who we meet, or even what we accomplish. With that, I was done for sure. But in this realized moment I knew that we came here to enjoy life. As I took another deep breath I could’ve seen my soul smiling.
– You finally get it. You are one with me in your every experience if you just allow it. – she said. I was finally in peace. Where we go from here only time will tell. But I knew I wanted to stay and find out.