I was in a relationship for 10 years. I was deeply in love, devoted, vulnerable, and full of expectations. Never before in my life have I ever witnessed the sweetness and the depth only the love between a man and a woman can bring.
Although it brought me the landscapes of joy and closeness, I’ve also witnessed the ugly side of love. The emotional overload, unmet expectations, the pain, the fear, the need to control, the loss.
I have been daydreaming about love more than I was actually experiencing it. In some moments it felt like I was imagining a relationship. To be clear, there was always love. But the limitation of a relationship clouded the freedom of love.
I was pushing hard to create a relationship I wanted to be in. I was pushing and pulling until eventually I completely lost myself. I was depending on actions, words, and promises that would bring only a momentary relaxation in this battle for love.
In all of this chaos and pain, I knew one thing. Love should be easy. That knowingness gave me the strength to let go. I will never let go of love, but I had to let go of the attachment to love. You see, I thought my partner was the source of love and that it depends on his choice to love me.
Letting go of the attachment hurts as an addiction hurts when it’s being cleansed from the body. I was in the darkness deeper than ever. In some moments I truly didn’t even want to exist. What was the point of living if there is no love? Waking up in the morning was the hardest thing I had to do during this period. On some days I felt that I was truly going to give up. But I never did for some reason. And the reason was here all along. I realized that I’m not actually alone and without love. There was someone who loved me deeply. And that was – me.
I was the one who had helped me get out of the bed, I was the one who held my hand, I was the shoulder I cried on ( sometimes all night long). And I was the one who I could lean on to, be vulnerable, completely seen, safe, and most importantly deeply loved..
During this process, I came across some amazing men who offered me deep commitment I haven’t received from my partner. My human ego was sufficiently boosted. And it gave me some validation.
However, moving the same energy to another person is still far from freedom.
I had to ask myself, is it worth hurting someone? Is this true love? The answer was no. Because love is never outside. It’s always me who is the love. I could finally feel it clearer than ever. Self-love was no longer a cliche, but a reality I was deliberately devoting myself to.
I realized how crippling it is to look for love outside of us. I even felt how limited it was to perceive myself only as a woman. In one moment I’ve imagined myself as a non-binary person because there was a dream man inside of me whose love I was longing for. And he was here. He was me all along. I wanted to shout out to the entire world, I’m in love! I Am Love!
There it was. The depth and the sweetness of love. More profound than I could’ve ever imagined it. It was quiet, it was subtle, and it was real. And funny enough, it expands to everyone and everything without trying to imprison them. It’s free. It’s life. It’s overwhelming and grounding at the same time.
I honestly don’t know how this love will multiply and unfold in my human experience, but I know one thing. I Am Complete. It’s all me. I Am Love.
(Photo Source: Pixabey)